The joys of worrying

Today has been pretty rough. We have 6 more days to go until our sono. I have had spotting off and on since the day I got my BFP and each time I worry a little more. Is this it? Should I prepare for the worst? Telling myself to calm down, this will all be okay. Stephen told me earlier to stop worrying he knows it's going to be okay. He knows we will get the results we've been waiting for soon. UGH! I want so hard to be confident in this pregnancy. Stop worrying about something I have no control over. How do you do this?

My Mother has not been told we are pregnant yet. I wanted to wait until she comes home from Iowa in June. I have planned on telling her over dinner. I have no clue what her reaction will be but I pray her feelings are not hurt because she wasn't first to know. I never kept it from her because I didn't want her to know I did it so I could tell her face to face and see her expression when she found out. I want that moment to be special. Here I go again with another worry! Does this ever stop?

Well...well...well.....

I have broken out with a horrible rash. It is caused from the PIO shots. They are in sesame seed oil and that is causing me to have this rash that looks like and feels like poison ivy. OUCH! Went to the RE this morning for her to look at it and she has switched me to the olive oil. I can not wait to get that oil in. I am so ready for this rash to go away.

I explained to her that I have been spotting a little. She said it was common but wanted to take a peek!!! YES! I wanted her to say that so bad! I have been driving myself nuts worrying about whats going on in there. She warned me that it is still really early and we may not see anything since I am only 5 weeks today. Well..well..well what do we have here? TWO SACS! I knew it! I kept telling Stephen we have two babies in there. My beta's were too high to only have one. She warned me that we may not see two on the next US and before it's said and done could loose one. I am too excited at this moment to think negative.

I am so excited to know that things are moving along as expected. This has given me peace of mind. I needed that so bad. I was so worried and anxious to see what was going on in there. This also gives me a break between the 2 week wait for our heartbeat ultrasound.

BETA # 2

Just got the call from the nurse. Today my beta was 2,392!!! HOLY COW! Could this be a sign for twins? hmmmmm :o) She said I no longer need to do any more betas as things are progressing great. My next appointment is June 4th for a sonogram. We will get to see the heartbeat/heartbeats and find out how many we have. I am of course on cloud nine!

Thank you Lord! For you have made me the happiest girl in Texas!

I'm a little shocked.

During this struggle of TTC we all have our ups and downs. I know for myself it has been the kind word someone has said or that little boost you get from hearing someone say they got their BFP that would give me hope that one day I would get mine. It's those stories that kept me going. I always thought being positive was what we should do. I have shared my story with others in hopes that it would give them hope.

So is it insensitive to post excitement while others are not getting the results they wanted? Isn't the positive what we are all looking for, waiting to hear?

I thought the boards were there for either. It's called a support group and to me that means support for good news and bad news. We are all in this together and no one should ever feel that they shouldn't share good news.

BETA # 1

Hip hip horray! My beta came back at 295! Such a strong number. I go back Monday the 18th for my second one. Praying for another strong number.

This whole pregnancy thing is so surreal. One minute I think is this really real? Am I really pregnant? The next I smile and think wow this is real and it is going to be the most amazing thing. I can not wait to tell the family I am expecting. I have decided to wait and tell my Mother & Daddy until Ella's 3rd birthday. That will be June 13th. By then I will have my first sono and see the heartbeat/heartbeats. I will feel better at that point. This not knowing is the worst part. TTC is really hard and frustrating but the first trimester is when you worry about every little detail. I will keep praying and have Faith in God that this will all work out.

The greatest words you will ever hear!

As I am writing this I am still in shock!

Last night after work Stephen and I talked about POAS. He told me it was fine to go ahead and buy a test on my way home. I of course felt guilty for wanting to do so as we decided we were going to wait for the Beta results to tell all. So much for that. I stopped at Walgreens on my way home and bought a hpt.

On my way home I prayed and prayed that God would allow this to be our time. I wanted to be able to scream to the top of my lungs I AM PREGNANT! I wanted to be able to call my girls (sister's) and tell them it's really true I am pregnant! I wanted to see two lines. So on my way home I am speeding to get there and as I exit there is a long train I have to wait on. After the train clears I get all the way up to the light and wouldn't ya know the light turns red. Im laughing at this point. I know this is God's way of slowing me down, showing me how to have patience. I listen of course and patiently wait. As soon as it turns green I hit the gas and try to get home as fast as I could. Finally I am home!

I get into the house and go straight to the bathroom. Stephen asks me "aren't you going to wait a few minutes?" I said "no im not waiting im doing this right now" So I sit there with the stick waiting to pee. I CAN NOT PEE! I am so nervous at this point I think to myself calm down. Turn on the water in the bathtub that always helps. Sure enough it worked and I am able to get a trickle out. I start staring at the stick waiting for the results and all the sudden I see TWO LINES! OMG OMG! I start screaming "STEPHEN COME HERE NOW OMG I AM PREGNANT LOOK LOOK!!!" There are indeed two beautiful lines. I got my BFP!

It has taken us 10 years to get to this point. We have tried so many different things from natural to every medication you can think of. I never thought this day would come.

I understand we still have a long way to go but I will stay positive until I have been given a reason not to be.

Transfer 05/05 @ 7:15am

Well tomorrow is the big day! I go in at 6:15 to have the transfer at 7:15. I love getting up early for exciting things. Can't wait to hear how my embies did thawing out and what they look like.

The PIO shots are going great! Stephen says he is now a master at them and to be honest he really is. I don't feel a thing. I am very proud of him. I feel sore the next day but it wears of in time for the next shot on that side.

We leave Friday to go to Beavers Bend in Oklahoma. It's our 10 year anniversary on the 8th. I absolutely love Beavers Bend! This is a place I can come to and leave all my worries at home. I am able to let go. The scenry is breath taking!