Insomnia

Well last night was another fun filled night of INSOMNIA! UGH! This is the third time this week I have dealt with this.

The dream I had before I woke up was what caused it. I dreamed that Stephen and I went to the doctor, they gave me a HPT and said go see if your pregnant. I go to the bathroom do my thing and sure enough it was POSITIVE! Two lines!!! In my dream the two lines meant twins and one was pink the other was blue so that meant I was having a boy and a girl! I cried and cried! Then I woke up. I think what woke me up was me crying out loud. I do this alot in my dreams. Something will upset me and I start to cry in my dream and it wakes me up because I am crying out loud.

To be honest that was the best dream I have had in a long time! It was very positive but when I woke up I couldn't help but feel sad. I want to have a baby more than anything I have ever had in my life! I see all the people around me with their children and I see how much joy they bring to their lives. I WANT THAT! I want to be able to look at Stephen and know he is the father of my child and have that respect for him! I want to hear that child call me Mommy and Stephen Daddy. I want to get so excited they smiled for the first time, rolled over, etc. I even want to get angry at them when they act up in the store and at the time all I want to do is walk away and act as if they are someone elses child acting up! hehe! I WANT IT ALL! The good with the bad! Just think sometimes it's too much to ask for. I wonder why God doesn't see me fit to be a parent but does someone else out there that beats their child or doesn't love them and refuses the proper care for them. I don't get it!

I'm trying to keep my head up and try not to dwell in the why me's, but for whatever reason today I have the why me's.