We had our appt. with the RE yesterday. My lining was 11 which is great! The nurse showed us how to give the PIO shots. Stephen was so excited about giving the shot. He felt so confident this was something he could do.
So last night was the start of my PIO shots. He kept saying "I can do this, I know I can do this!" I had faith in him that he could do this. I mean really could it be that hard? HA!
We were sitting on the couch watching Lost. 8:45 rolls around so I get up, get the bottle of PIO, place it in a cup of hot water for about 5 min, get the alcohol wipe, bandaid, fill up the syringe, change out the needle, now I am READY! Stephen says to me "Now I am scared" WHAT? OMG! Really?
So we go into the bedroom and I am laying there with an ice pack on my butt trying to numb the area. It's now time to give the shot. Stephen says "okay I can do this", he takes the top off the needle (looses it) and I tell him it's already primed so he pushes it in more then WIPES IT OFF WITH HIS FINGER! WHAT? OMG so I tell him to wipe it off with alcohol since it now has his germs on it. He lost the friggin alcohol pad! So he runs to the kitchen to get another one comes back in and says he's going to do it. He puts his fingers on my hip and tries his best to stick me. He starts to freak out and says "I CAN'T DO IT I JUST CAN'T DO IT!" He's sweating and tears are running down his face lol! I tell him "GIVE ME THE FING NEEDLE" I take the needle from him, throw my leg across and stick the needle in! lol
From now on I will stick the needle in and he can pull back then push in the medicine. Screw letting him "try" to do this! Obvisoly he can not handle it. ha ha ha!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Nervous Wreck
Today I am a nervous wreck. We have our Dr. Appt tomorrow at 9:30. She will do a sono to check the thickness of my lining and then show Stephen how to administer the PIO shot.
I don't know if it's knowing he is going to give me the shot that bothers me, or the pain I think I may expierence. I have always been better dealing with pain when I am the one putting myself thru it. Just don't know how I will manage giving myself the shot? Maybe I can put the needle in and let him do the rest? Heck maybe it's the anticipation that's getting me more than the shot itself. Either way I am very nervous.
I don't know if it's knowing he is going to give me the shot that bothers me, or the pain I think I may expierence. I have always been better dealing with pain when I am the one putting myself thru it. Just don't know how I will manage giving myself the shot? Maybe I can put the needle in and let him do the rest? Heck maybe it's the anticipation that's getting me more than the shot itself. Either way I am very nervous.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Insomnia
Well last night was another fun filled night of INSOMNIA! UGH! This is the third time this week I have dealt with this.
The dream I had before I woke up was what caused it. I dreamed that Stephen and I went to the doctor, they gave me a HPT and said go see if your pregnant. I go to the bathroom do my thing and sure enough it was POSITIVE! Two lines!!! In my dream the two lines meant twins and one was pink the other was blue so that meant I was having a boy and a girl! I cried and cried! Then I woke up. I think what woke me up was me crying out loud. I do this alot in my dreams. Something will upset me and I start to cry in my dream and it wakes me up because I am crying out loud.
To be honest that was the best dream I have had in a long time! It was very positive but when I woke up I couldn't help but feel sad. I want to have a baby more than anything I have ever had in my life! I see all the people around me with their children and I see how much joy they bring to their lives. I WANT THAT! I want to be able to look at Stephen and know he is the father of my child and have that respect for him! I want to hear that child call me Mommy and Stephen Daddy. I want to get so excited they smiled for the first time, rolled over, etc. I even want to get angry at them when they act up in the store and at the time all I want to do is walk away and act as if they are someone elses child acting up! hehe! I WANT IT ALL! The good with the bad! Just think sometimes it's too much to ask for. I wonder why God doesn't see me fit to be a parent but does someone else out there that beats their child or doesn't love them and refuses the proper care for them. I don't get it!
I'm trying to keep my head up and try not to dwell in the why me's, but for whatever reason today I have the why me's.
The dream I had before I woke up was what caused it. I dreamed that Stephen and I went to the doctor, they gave me a HPT and said go see if your pregnant. I go to the bathroom do my thing and sure enough it was POSITIVE! Two lines!!! In my dream the two lines meant twins and one was pink the other was blue so that meant I was having a boy and a girl! I cried and cried! Then I woke up. I think what woke me up was me crying out loud. I do this alot in my dreams. Something will upset me and I start to cry in my dream and it wakes me up because I am crying out loud.
To be honest that was the best dream I have had in a long time! It was very positive but when I woke up I couldn't help but feel sad. I want to have a baby more than anything I have ever had in my life! I see all the people around me with their children and I see how much joy they bring to their lives. I WANT THAT! I want to be able to look at Stephen and know he is the father of my child and have that respect for him! I want to hear that child call me Mommy and Stephen Daddy. I want to get so excited they smiled for the first time, rolled over, etc. I even want to get angry at them when they act up in the store and at the time all I want to do is walk away and act as if they are someone elses child acting up! hehe! I WANT IT ALL! The good with the bad! Just think sometimes it's too much to ask for. I wonder why God doesn't see me fit to be a parent but does someone else out there that beats their child or doesn't love them and refuses the proper care for them. I don't get it!
I'm trying to keep my head up and try not to dwell in the why me's, but for whatever reason today I have the why me's.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Can't give up now we've come so far!
It's official! We have decided it's time to move on and try again. Our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for May 5th. I began taking estrogen April 14th and will add progestrone shots on the 29th.
I am so nervous about the shots! I have read so many horror stories about them. YIKES! I do have faith that I can handle this, just don't know if Stephen will be able to handle giving them to me. If not I will have to figure out how to do them myself. No big deal right?
This time around I feel less stress since I know what to expect. I understand there is a chance this time may not work. Im fine with that. I was reading and found where someone asked...At what point do you give up? The answer was...When you feel you just can't bare to go on. Well I don't feel that I am ready to give up, I refuse to give up! I am a fighter and I will continue this journey. I will take the good with the bad because I know in the end it will all be worth it!
I am so nervous about the shots! I have read so many horror stories about them. YIKES! I do have faith that I can handle this, just don't know if Stephen will be able to handle giving them to me. If not I will have to figure out how to do them myself. No big deal right?
This time around I feel less stress since I know what to expect. I understand there is a chance this time may not work. Im fine with that. I was reading and found where someone asked...At what point do you give up? The answer was...When you feel you just can't bare to go on. Well I don't feel that I am ready to give up, I refuse to give up! I am a fighter and I will continue this journey. I will take the good with the bad because I know in the end it will all be worth it!
Monday, April 20, 2009
IVF # 1 BFN
I haven't blogged in a while. I think I just needed a break after what was supose to be a great St. Patricks day turned into a week full of disappointment and sadness.
The Sunday before St. Patricks day we decided we could not wait any longer and had to POAS. It was negative, I thought at first maybe it was too early to test. A few hours later I started bleeding. I knew at that moment that this cycle was a bust.
I called the nurse Monday to tell her I started and she wanted me to come in as scheduled just to make sure. Let me tell you that was the hardest day of my life! Walking thru the doors of the hospital I had nothing but sadness and anger. I came back to work but could not stay, I was too emotional to deal with anyone or anything. I got the call back later that day telling me my BETA did come back positive but the numbers were so low (11) that she told me this would not be a good pregnancy. She told me I had a chemical pregnancy and it would not last. I was told to come in again for another beta and they would continue watching it until it went to zero. The following test came back 14, 20 and finally it went to zero meaning the pregnancy was over. Finding out it was zero was a relief. This meant we could try again and very soon!
The Sunday before St. Patricks day we decided we could not wait any longer and had to POAS. It was negative, I thought at first maybe it was too early to test. A few hours later I started bleeding. I knew at that moment that this cycle was a bust.
I called the nurse Monday to tell her I started and she wanted me to come in as scheduled just to make sure. Let me tell you that was the hardest day of my life! Walking thru the doors of the hospital I had nothing but sadness and anger. I came back to work but could not stay, I was too emotional to deal with anyone or anything. I got the call back later that day telling me my BETA did come back positive but the numbers were so low (11) that she told me this would not be a good pregnancy. She told me I had a chemical pregnancy and it would not last. I was told to come in again for another beta and they would continue watching it until it went to zero. The following test came back 14, 20 and finally it went to zero meaning the pregnancy was over. Finding out it was zero was a relief. This meant we could try again and very soon!
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