I have been obsessing for the last month over having a baby. I have looked at every website known to man for crib bedding, maternity clothes, baby names, etc. I begining to think im crazy. It's all that has been on my mind. I am so ready to hear the doctor tell me "Congradulations you are pregnant!" I am so tired of wondering and dreaming just ready for this dream to become a reality.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Prestart visit
Well we just got back from our prestart visit. This morning started out a little hetic. We got to the ARTS dept. to pick up paperwork and Stephen had to do a semen annalysis. The lady at the front desk was so scattered brained she didn't know if she was coming or going. It took a while for her to figure out which papers to give me first. We finally finished that up and went to our prestart meeting. When we got there the lady at the front desk said Christi we don't have you down on the schedule today? WHAT? I wrote the date down when I was on the phone with the nurse. I know I did not just make it up. She went to the back to talk to the nurse and thank God the nurse had an opening so she went ahead and saw us. She said she put us down for the 4th not the 3rd? Hmmm okay well my pen wrote the 3rd not the 4th. Oh well we got it done.
She gave me a calander showing me which date to start my Lupron shots which is the 11th and I will stop my BCP on the 16th. I start Follistim on the 21st. I would take my trigger shot anywhere from March 2nd or 3rd and they think retrieval would be somewhere between March 4th thru 6th with the transfer anywhere from the 8th thru 10th.
It feels good to know what to expect. I am such a planner so it drives me crazy not knowing when and where.
She gave me a calander showing me which date to start my Lupron shots which is the 11th and I will stop my BCP on the 16th. I start Follistim on the 21st. I would take my trigger shot anywhere from March 2nd or 3rd and they think retrieval would be somewhere between March 4th thru 6th with the transfer anywhere from the 8th thru 10th.
It feels good to know what to expect. I am such a planner so it drives me crazy not knowing when and where.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Dixie Chicks "So Hard"
This is one of my favorite songs. Music is my life. This song explains how I feel day to day.
"So Hard"
Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore
And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully
Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easyIt's so hard
"So Hard"
Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore
And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully
Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easyIt's so hard
Our Journey
I have created this blog as a place to come to so that I may express my thoughts and feelings during what seems to be the hardest obstacle of my life....conceiving a child.
Stephen and I have been married since May 8, 1999. Our biggest dream has always been to have children. We just didn't know it would be this hard.
I was diagnosed with PCOS in 98 after picking up a Cosmopolitan magazine in a gas station and read an article about PCOS. I could not believe I had almost every symptom they gave. I went to my doctor and sure enough I was diagnosed with PCOS.
In 2004 we went to a RE with high hopes of becoming parents. We tried clomid a few times....unfortunately it made the lining of my uterus too thin, then we moved on to Repronex had a good response to it, had an IUI done with no success. So we moved on to Gonal F only to find out I had too many follicles unfortunally we had to cancel the cycle. By this point I was so tired of the shots and going to the doctor we both felt it was time to take a break.
During the break I felt if it was God's will we would have a child, if not we would just adopt. A few years passed and I became very bitter at God because I felt he was punishing me. I kept asking myself what I have done to deserve this? Finally I just gave up it wasn't worth the worry anymore. I think on the outside I gave up but deep down what I was doing was pretending I didn't care anymore. Each time I saw someone with a baby or pregnant I would look at her and think "I want that! Why her and not me?"
I decided in November 08 that I was ready to start trying again. I talked to Stephen about it and he was excited. I changed my insurance per my boss's suggestion and made our appointment for January 8th.
We went in with no expectations. I did not check to see what my insurance would cover because I wanted them to tell me. I figured I would hear well it looks like your insurance will not cover anything but diagnostic. We went to the appointment and met with our doctor. Sat down in her office to go over our options and she said these words I will never forget "There are three things you guys have to think about when trying to have a child. One is the emotional aspect, second is the physical, and third is the financial but this one is already take care of." WHAT? She said "your insurance covers IVF". OMG please say this is true that she really did say this is what I was thinking so I asked her again and she said "yes your insurance covers IVF". All I could think was this is amazing I can not believe this. IVF has always been a dream for us since we knew we would never be able to afford it and if we could we would only get one chance at it. I cried happy tears all day and could not wipe that smile off my face for weeks. I am still in disbelief.
Since then I have gone back for blood work and last week had a sonohystorgram. Everything looks great so far....Our next appointment is tomorrow to go over our protocol and sign papers. I have no clue what to expect. I am so nervous and all day today I have been looking at the worst case scenario. Why I do this I don't know? I guess we will find out what to expect tomorrow.....
Stephen and I have been married since May 8, 1999. Our biggest dream has always been to have children. We just didn't know it would be this hard.
I was diagnosed with PCOS in 98 after picking up a Cosmopolitan magazine in a gas station and read an article about PCOS. I could not believe I had almost every symptom they gave. I went to my doctor and sure enough I was diagnosed with PCOS.
In 2004 we went to a RE with high hopes of becoming parents. We tried clomid a few times....unfortunately it made the lining of my uterus too thin, then we moved on to Repronex had a good response to it, had an IUI done with no success. So we moved on to Gonal F only to find out I had too many follicles unfortunally we had to cancel the cycle. By this point I was so tired of the shots and going to the doctor we both felt it was time to take a break.
During the break I felt if it was God's will we would have a child, if not we would just adopt. A few years passed and I became very bitter at God because I felt he was punishing me. I kept asking myself what I have done to deserve this? Finally I just gave up it wasn't worth the worry anymore. I think on the outside I gave up but deep down what I was doing was pretending I didn't care anymore. Each time I saw someone with a baby or pregnant I would look at her and think "I want that! Why her and not me?"
I decided in November 08 that I was ready to start trying again. I talked to Stephen about it and he was excited. I changed my insurance per my boss's suggestion and made our appointment for January 8th.
We went in with no expectations. I did not check to see what my insurance would cover because I wanted them to tell me. I figured I would hear well it looks like your insurance will not cover anything but diagnostic. We went to the appointment and met with our doctor. Sat down in her office to go over our options and she said these words I will never forget "There are three things you guys have to think about when trying to have a child. One is the emotional aspect, second is the physical, and third is the financial but this one is already take care of." WHAT? She said "your insurance covers IVF". OMG please say this is true that she really did say this is what I was thinking so I asked her again and she said "yes your insurance covers IVF". All I could think was this is amazing I can not believe this. IVF has always been a dream for us since we knew we would never be able to afford it and if we could we would only get one chance at it. I cried happy tears all day and could not wipe that smile off my face for weeks. I am still in disbelief.
Since then I have gone back for blood work and last week had a sonohystorgram. Everything looks great so far....Our next appointment is tomorrow to go over our protocol and sign papers. I have no clue what to expect. I am so nervous and all day today I have been looking at the worst case scenario. Why I do this I don't know? I guess we will find out what to expect tomorrow.....
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