Our Journey Through Infertility, IVF, FET and Becoming Parents to Twins.

The life of Owen and Claire

2010-09-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

For anyone wanting to find out how the twins are doing follow this blog......

http://sabcab1309.blogspot.com/

Owen & Claire two months old

2010-02-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

This is my niece Ella. She calls Owen and Claire her brother and sister. You talk about a proud cousin! She adores these babies!
My sweet little boy! He has the sweetiest personality. I think he's going to be a mommy's boy. :)
One of my favorite pictures my sister took. I can't believe how much they have grown!

The birth of Owen & Claire

2010-01-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

It's about time I posted the story of the babies birth. Life has been a whirlwind lately and I have had no time to sit down and do a thing. Anyway.....

It was the morning of December 11th I got up and ready for work as usual. Went in and everything was fine until 9am. I started having pains on my right side. I thought one of the babies was in a bad position so I tried getting up and stretching thinking that would help. That was a big mistake. The pains got worse. I sat down and couldn't move. I thought to myself okay this will go away soon if not I will call the doctor and see what she says. After about 10 min. the pain had not gone away so I called the doctor and spoke with the nurse. She told me to drink some water and see if that would help. She explained to me I might be in labor and needed to go to labor/delivery. After 20 min. the pain stopped but I continued having braxton hicks contractions. They were not painful so I figured the trip to the hospital would be a waste. I would go in and they would say this is false labor you need to go home and be on bedrest. I called Stephen and told him we needed to go to the hospital. He picked me up from work and took me in. He thought we were going to see my doctor and I had to explain to him that we were going to labor/delivery. He was so nervous! When I got in they put me on monitors and my contractions were mild. They gave me a shot to stop them and after 30 min. they started getting stronger so they gave me another shot and again after 30 min they came back. She started my IV and explained to me that I was indeed in labor and they would have to take the babies. I cried! I was not ready for them to come, they were too early, they would have to stay in the hospital. My Mother lives in Iowa and I knew she wouldn't be able to make it. I wanted her there so bad!

Around 4:00 pm they took me back to get me prepped for the c section. I could not believe I was going to see my babies! They started the epidural and OMG that was the worst pain I have ever felt! The first numbing shot was fine, it was when he started feeding the tube thru my spine that he hit a nerve and the worst pain shot thru my body. I felt it from my head to my toes! I was so relieved when he was done and could no longer feel my legs.

My doctor came in and told me to prepare myself because we would not be coming home before Christmas. We would be lucky to be home by new years. I broke down once again. I felt so selfish but at the same time I was scared out of my mind! I didn't know what to expect. Would they be able to breathe? Would they be okay?

I get into the OR and they were running around getting everything ready. Stephen came in and they started the surgery. It didn't take long and Owen was out. He was born at 4:18pm weighing 5 lb 6 oz. I will never forget hearing him cry! Oh man that was BEAUTIFUL! A few min. later she pulled Claire out. Claire put up a fight! She was holding onto my ribs and Dr. Speight was having a hard time getting her to let go. Claire was born at 4:20pm weighing 4lb 3oz. I heard her cry and again BEAUTIFUL! They took both of them over to get them cleaned up and Owen was doing good, had a little trouble breathing but he was okay. Claire they were a little worried about. She wasn't breathing well at all. They brought Owen over to me but wouldn't put him to my face. All they let me do was touch his hand. A different person brought Claire to me and I got to kiss her. They whisked them away to the NICU.

After sitting in recovery for about an hour they took me to see them. I didn't get to hold them that night...only touch their hands. Both were on CPAP with IV's in their hands. That broke my heart! I was thankful they were okay but seeing your babies like that just breaks your heart!

The following day both were taken off CPAP and IV's. I got to hold them but had to go back to my room from being so nauses from all the medication. Each day they got stronger. We spent a total of 3 weeks in the special care nursery. On December 30th Claire got to come home and Owen came home January 5th.

Both babies are doing great and growing daily. I have to say Motherhood is AMAZING! It only gets better!

Pictures of Owen & Claire

2009-12-30T13:55:00.000-08:00

20 days and counting

2009-12-04T14:46:00.000-08:00

I can not believe we only have 20 days left until we meet Owen and Claire! I am full of emotions. At the beginning of this week I was very nervous and scared. Will I be able to handle two at one time? Can I get them on the same schedule? Will I be a good Mommy? All these unknowns then the excitement kicks in. The first time I see them all the things people tell you that there is no love like the love you feel the first time you look at your children. Oh my so much to think about!

Stephen is on cloud nine knowing he will be the first one to hold them. Since I'm having the c section I won't be able to hold my babies for a little while. I am thankful he is going to be the first to hold them. I told him last night since I carried them in my belly it was only fair for him to be the first to hold them. I am so lucky to have him as my husband! I don't have to worry about whether or not he will be a good Daddy to these babies. I already know he will. That is a great feeling! I can't wait to see him transition into a father. Have to say I am crazy about that man!

Shower Pictures

2009-11-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy photos

2009-10-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

27 Week baby bump pictures.

My sister took these pictures Saturday. We had a lot of fun doing them. Enjoy!

Delivery date changed

2009-10-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

This week I found out that starting January 1st we will now have a higher deductible and they will add another 10% to our coinsurance. This means it will cost us double what it was to have these babies.

I had my appointment with my OB yesterday and told her about it. We discussed another date and decided on December 24th. At first I wasn't all that excited. The thought of being stuck in the hospital on Christmas Eve, day and the day after did not excited me much, but the more Stephen and I talked about it the more excited we got.

This will be the first year in my whole life that I don't have to worry about rushing from place to place. We usually have 5 places to go to in a span of 2 days. Mind you these places are not next door to eachother they are hours apart. Not this year!!! We will be cozy in our hospital room enjoying the birth of these beautiful babies. Talk about the best Christmas present EVER!

Update on the pregnancy: I had my gestational diabetes test done yesterday. Results are in and it came back negative! YAHOO! I am low on iron which I figured I would be since I crave ice 24/7 and want to sniff dirt and chemicals all the time. WIERD I know! I will add yet another pill to my daily intake making this pill #6. I feel like an old person ha ha ha!

I have gained a total of 15 lbs and feel great! I don't have any major complaints and actually enjoy being pregnant. Of course I have the heartburn, leg cramps, backache and stomach ache from time to time but hey isn't that to be expected? I guess after struggling for so long you welcome all of the above.

I know that I will miss being pregnant. It's funny how people treat you when your pregnant. They all look at you and smile, offer a hand and demand you sit down while they make you a drink. Can it get any better than this? lol Im sure once I have these babies those things will fade and I will be left with two crying babies not knowing what to do and cry myself. There again I will welcome it. Of course some days I will think what did I get myself into? But hey isn't that a part of motherhood?

I have made final decisions on the nursery. After much thought and racking my brain for weeks I have decided to decorate Owen's side with old vintage airplanes. Using rustic reds, yellows, blues, greens etc. Claires side will be decorated with rustic tin flowers, butterflys and birds.

20 Week Sono

2009-09-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

We had our 20 week sono last Wednesday. Both babies are doing great! Owen is 14 oz and Claire is 12 oz. The nurse couldn't believe his stomach was measuring so big and had to remeasure to make sure it was right and sure enough it was. She told us that he was not missing a meal ha! He is just like his Daddy in that department. Claire is going to be built like me. It was so good to see them again. I get to see them every 4 weeks until the 33rd week then I go in every week. How exciting!

The doctor told me I needed to eat more...said I need an extra 600 calories per day. I also needed to take more folic acid so there is an extra 3 pills a day to add to my pile. Now I know how the older generation feels. I complain but it is well worth every pill :o)

Our trip to Iowa was great! Never got above 78 and by 3:00 in the afternoon you needed pants. We got back Monday and as soon as we landed and walked off the plane I knew we were back in Texas. It was only 96 outside YUCK! I wanted to turn around and go back. We never have perfect weather like that in Texas. It's either hot or cold never really inbetween well maybe for a week ha!

I love this stage of pregnancy. I have enjoyed feeling the babies kick and move around. It makes me smile everytime. My belly is growing daily and im loving it. I noticed for the first time this weekend how big I am. It's fun to look in the mirror and see this round belly poking out. Still hard to believe it's me :o)

Baby Bump at 17 weeks

2009-08-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

Sugar n spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of. Frogs, snails and puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of.

2009-08-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

We are having a BOY and a GIRL! My original sono was scheduled for the 21st but I had a concern that I voiced to the nurse and she had me come in and ordered a sono. My uterus was hard on one side but not on the other and stayed that way for 4 days. I felt that was odd so I called the nurse to see if that was normal and she wanted me to come in to check it out. The OB told me my uterus will shift and the babies have room to move a lot and that they were on top of eachother so that's why it felt harder on one side than the other. No big deal and I got an early sono out of the deal :o).

I found out we were expecting Stephen Owen first then Hallie Claire. Unfortunally Stephen couldn't make it to the sono. That broke my heart! There was no way he could take off work since they were short two guys that day and in Texas with 100 degree heat people need their A/C's.

We have been shopping every weekend since we found out. It is so much fun knowing the sex and being able to shop for each one. I had a tough time trying to figure out how we were going to do the nursery since both babies will be in the same room. Twins do better sleeping in the same room. We decided to do Claire's bedding in a solid cream and Owen's in a spice orange color. The cribs are made by Munire and the model is Essex. They are both a cherry wood finish. For wall decor we will put their names above the beds and use cherry wood letters with ribbons, frame their newborn pictures in cherry wood frames, and I found a round mosaic mirror from Pier One with a lot of color that I will hang. Stephen and my Dad are going to make the dresser and I will use the top of it as my changing table. I can not wait to get the nursery put together! My mother wants me to wait until after my shower to get it done but I don't think we are that patient ha!

My next appointment is the 26th with my OB and we have another sono scheduled for the 2nd of September. I love doctor appointments! We leave on the 2nd to fly to Iowa and spend labor day with my Mother. Can not wait for that! Cooler weather and tons of shopping right up my alley!

15 Weeks and counting

2009-07-30T14:46:00.001-07:00

Today I am 15 weeks along. Only 23 more to go. How I dream of the day I meet my babies. Only 3 more weeks to go before we find out what they are. It's amazing how fast pregnancy flys by. After the 12th week I was finally content and I no longer spent hours reading about what may happen or what comes next. Mind you I still look at what comes next but instead of worrying about it I am excited.

I went to my OB Tuesday and got to hear the heartbeats again. Baby A 160 Baby B 150. Now that I am further along it's easier to hear them on the doppler. I wish I would have recorded the sound on my phone but I figured it would be faint and wouldn't get a good recording. My uterus measured at 16 weeks which my OB said was perfect. I have gained 3 lbs but still under my pre pregnancy weight. Again, perfect.

Symptoms this week are heartburn, heartburn and more heartburn. I am addicted to rolaids and tums. Seems they only work for a little while then it's right back. Another thing I have had to deal with is this horrible pain in my right side under my rib cage that travels into my back. I can only lay on the left side. Flat on my back it starts acting up and on my right side as well. And how can we forget having to pee every 5 minutes. I get up no less than 5 times in the middle of the night. I thought this was a symptom that would go away for at least a little while? Guess with two it sticks around....

Sunday Stephen put his hand on my belly started crying and said "I am really going to be a Daddy" it's starting to sink in for both of us that we are indeed going to be parents. Neither one of us ever thought this day would come. We were so content in just us that we gave up on having kids and instead focused on being the best aunt and uncle we could be. Of course that won't change after having kids. Our familes are very close and we don't go more than a few weeks without seeing eachother.

We leave for Iowa in 5 weeks and how I long for that day! I love it up there it's my place to go to find peace. My mother and step dad live in a historic home built in 1898 that over looks the Mississippi River. They bought it run down and have been working on it for the last 5 years. It's amazing how much work they put into this house and how beautiful it is now that it's restored. It's 4 stories and has an old elevator that actually works. I love that thing! I think I have more fun in the elevator. My mother just laughs at me but hey it makes me feel like a kid again.

Well I could ramble on for hours so I think I will stop here....

Here is a picture of the house in Iowa.

I am in love

2009-07-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today we had our appointment to hear the heart beats. We were able to pick up both heart beats! I tried to record the sound with my phone but they were too faint. I am so in love! The sound was just as I expected. I still remember hearing my nieces heartbeat on the monitor when my sister was in labor. It was the same sound only there were two of them.

Today I feel a sense of relief. I am one day shy of 11 weeks and this is the last week of my first trimester. I couldn't wait to get to this point and here I am. I can breathe! We find out the sex of each baby August 21st. Oh how I dream of that day!!

10 weeks 4 days

2009-06-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Today I am 10 weeks 4 days pregnant. Nothing new to report as far as symptoms go. We go back to the doctor Wednesday to hear the heartbeats for the first time. I am so excited! I figured out how to record on my phone so I can play that sound over and over.

The anxiety of having twins is setting in. I worry daily about coming back to work and having someone watch them. My sis n law lives 45 min. away so that is not an option. She would be the prime person. She has offered to meet me halfway each morning but I know that would get annoying after the first week. I keep telling myself to just pray about it. Somehow someway it will all work out. It always does.

It still amazes me that I am actually pregnant. It's slowley becoming a reality. I never thought I would get to this point and here I am. It's great!

I just bought my first pair of maternity pants today. With my stomach growing daily I figured it was time to break down and buy a pair.

9 Weeks Today

2009-06-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

I had my first OB appointment Tuesday morning. At 8 weeks 5 days, both babies are doing great. Baby A & B measured at 2.02 cm and their heart rate was 160bpm. It was good to see them again, they have both grown so much since our 7 week appointment. They are starting to look like humans. I can tell where their head is and on one sono pic you can see baby B's arm. I go back July 1st for blood work and we should get to hear the hear beats on the Doppler machine. My OB told me I would have to see her along with a high risk doctor since I'm having twins but that wouldn't start until I'm 18 weeks. She asked me how I felt about having the CVS testing done and I don't feel that I need to do that test. I would never terminate my pregnancy so what's the point in having that test and then worry about the results?

I am 9 weeks today. Only 3 more to go until I reach my second trimester. It has gone by so fast. I still have queasy moments, BBS are tender, tiredness is there but not as bad, one thing that has stepped up is moodiness. I can go from 0 to 60 in seconds. Stephen laughed at me the other day. I was so mad at him because I just made me cheese and crackers and he grabbed a few off my plate. Oh heck no you do not steal from a pregnant woman! I went off like a rocket and he started laughing thought that was so funny. Oh it was not funny at all! That was made for me not him! He told me last night this was the meanest he has ever seen me. I apologized of course. I try my best to control my anger but sometimes it just comes out. And it's usually the little things that get to me. I am just glad that I have a husband that loves me no matter what and understands that this really is not me. Ha!

It's OFFICIAL!

2009-06-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

Our appointment was at 1:00 today and we didn't get to see the doctor until 1:35. The wait was torture. My heart was racing and I was on the verge of crying. I wanted to know right then. I was tired of waiting. We get into the room and I am sitting there sweating. Stephen is singing, moving around, playing with the table and driving me crazy! How in the world can men be so calm when we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown?

The doctor finally comes in and she gets ready. All the sudden I look on the sono and there they are. My beautiful baby twins!!! Im thinking okay I see the yolk sac and the body where are the heartbeats? I asked her are there heartbeats? She said yes look and zoomed in a little closer. OMG that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. These two tiny beings with their hearts fluttering away! Baby A measured 7 weeks 2 days with a heartrate of 142 Baby B measured 6 weeks 6 days with a heartrate of 132.

Words will never describe what I felt seeing my babies! They are beautiful! I can not wait to meet them!!!

The joys of worrying

2009-05-28T14:04:00.001-07:00

Today has been pretty rough. We have 6 more days to go until our sono. I have had spotting off and on since the day I got my BFP and each time I worry a little more. Is this it? Should I prepare for the worst? Telling myself to calm down, this will all be okay. Stephen told me earlier to stop worrying he knows it's going to be okay. He knows we will get the results we've been waiting for soon. UGH! I want so hard to be confident in this pregnancy. Stop worrying about something I have no control over. How do you do this?

My Mother has not been told we are pregnant yet. I wanted to wait until she comes home from Iowa in June. I have planned on telling her over dinner. I have no clue what her reaction will be but I pray her feelings are not hurt because she wasn't first to know. I never kept it from her because I didn't want her to know I did it so I could tell her face to face and see her expression when she found out. I want that moment to be special. Here I go again with another worry! Does this ever stop?

Well...well...well.....

2009-05-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have broken out with a horrible rash. It is caused from the PIO shots. They are in sesame seed oil and that is causing me to have this rash that looks like and feels like poison ivy. OUCH! Went to the RE this morning for her to look at it and she has switched me to the olive oil. I can not wait to get that oil in. I am so ready for this rash to go away.

I explained to her that I have been spotting a little. She said it was common but wanted to take a peek!!! YES! I wanted her to say that so bad! I have been driving myself nuts worrying about whats going on in there. She warned me that it is still really early and we may not see anything since I am only 5 weeks today. Well..well..well what do we have here? TWO SACS! I knew it! I kept telling Stephen we have two babies in there. My beta's were too high to only have one. She warned me that we may not see two on the next US and before it's said and done could loose one. I am too excited at this moment to think negative.

I am so excited to know that things are moving along as expected. This has given me peace of mind. I needed that so bad. I was so worried and anxious to see what was going on in there. This also gives me a break between the 2 week wait for our heartbeat ultrasound.

BETA # 2

2009-05-18T12:07:00.001-07:00

Just got the call from the nurse. Today my beta was 2,392!!! HOLY COW! Could this be a sign for twins? hmmmmm :o) She said I no longer need to do any more betas as things are progressing great. My next appointment is June 4th for a sonogram. We will get to see the heartbeat/heartbeats and find out how many we have. I am of course on cloud nine!

Thank you Lord! For you have made me the happiest girl in Texas!

I'm a little shocked.

2009-05-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

During this struggle of TTC we all have our ups and downs. I know for myself it has been the kind word someone has said or that little boost you get from hearing someone say they got their BFP that would give me hope that one day I would get mine. It's those stories that kept me going. I always thought being positive was what we should do. I have shared my story with others in hopes that it would give them hope.

So is it insensitive to post excitement while others are not getting the results they wanted? Isn't the positive what we are all looking for, waiting to hear?

I thought the boards were there for either. It's called a support group and to me that means support for good news and bad news. We are all in this together and no one should ever feel that they shouldn't share good news.

BETA # 1

2009-05-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hip hip horray! My beta came back at 295! Such a strong number. I go back Monday the 18th for my second one. Praying for another strong number.

This whole pregnancy thing is so surreal. One minute I think is this really real? Am I really pregnant? The next I smile and think wow this is real and it is going to be the most amazing thing. I can not wait to tell the family I am expecting. I have decided to wait and tell my Mother & Daddy until Ella's 3rd birthday. That will be June 13th. By then I will have my first sono and see the heartbeat/heartbeats. I will feel better at that point. This not knowing is the worst part. TTC is really hard and frustrating but the first trimester is when you worry about every little detail. I will keep praying and have Faith in God that this will all work out.

The greatest words you will ever hear!

2009-05-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

As I am writing this I am still in shock!

Last night after work Stephen and I talked about POAS. He told me it was fine to go ahead and buy a test on my way home. I of course felt guilty for wanting to do so as we decided we were going to wait for the Beta results to tell all. So much for that. I stopped at Walgreens on my way home and bought a hpt.

On my way home I prayed and prayed that God would allow this to be our time. I wanted to be able to scream to the top of my lungs I AM PREGNANT! I wanted to be able to call my girls (sister's) and tell them it's really true I am pregnant! I wanted to see two lines. So on my way home I am speeding to get there and as I exit there is a long train I have to wait on. After the train clears I get all the way up to the light and wouldn't ya know the light turns red. Im laughing at this point. I know this is God's way of slowing me down, showing me how to have patience. I listen of course and patiently wait. As soon as it turns green I hit the gas and try to get home as fast as I could. Finally I am home!

I get into the house and go straight to the bathroom. Stephen asks me "aren't you going to wait a few minutes?" I said "no im not waiting im doing this right now" So I sit there with the stick waiting to pee. I CAN NOT PEE! I am so nervous at this point I think to myself calm down. Turn on the water in the bathtub that always helps. Sure enough it worked and I am able to get a trickle out. I start staring at the stick waiting for the results and all the sudden I see TWO LINES! OMG OMG! I start screaming "STEPHEN COME HERE NOW OMG I AM PREGNANT LOOK LOOK!!!" There are indeed two beautiful lines. I got my BFP!

It has taken us 10 years to get to this point. We have tried so many different things from natural to every medication you can think of. I never thought this day would come.

I understand we still have a long way to go but I will stay positive until I have been given a reason not to be.

Transfer 05/05 @ 7:15am

2009-05-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow is the big day! I go in at 6:15 to have the transfer at 7:15. I love getting up early for exciting things. Can't wait to hear how my embies did thawing out and what they look like.

The PIO shots are going great! Stephen says he is now a master at them and to be honest he really is. I don't feel a thing. I am very proud of him. I feel sore the next day but it wears of in time for the next shot on that side.

We leave Friday to go to Beavers Bend in Oklahoma. It's our 10 year anniversary on the 8th. I absolutely love Beavers Bend! This is a place I can come to and leave all my worries at home. I am able to let go. The scenry is breath taking!

PIO Shot

2009-04-30T13:30:00.001-07:00

We had our appt. with the RE yesterday. My lining was 11 which is great! The nurse showed us how to give the PIO shots. Stephen was so excited about giving the shot. He felt so confident this was something he could do.

So last night was the start of my PIO shots. He kept saying "I can do this, I know I can do this!" I had faith in him that he could do this. I mean really could it be that hard? HA!

We were sitting on the couch watching Lost. 8:45 rolls around so I get up, get the bottle of PIO, place it in a cup of hot water for about 5 min, get the alcohol wipe, bandaid, fill up the syringe, change out the needle, now I am READY! Stephen says to me "Now I am scared" WHAT? OMG! Really?

So we go into the bedroom and I am laying there with an ice pack on my butt trying to numb the area. It's now time to give the shot. Stephen says "okay I can do this", he takes the top off the needle (looses it) and I tell him it's already primed so he pushes it in more then WIPES IT OFF WITH HIS FINGER! WHAT? OMG so I tell him to wipe it off with alcohol since it now has his germs on it. He lost the friggin alcohol pad! So he runs to the kitchen to get another one comes back in and says he's going to do it. He puts his fingers on my hip and tries his best to stick me. He starts to freak out and says "I CAN'T DO IT I JUST CAN'T DO IT!" He's sweating and tears are running down his face lol! I tell him "GIVE ME THE FING NEEDLE" I take the needle from him, throw my leg across and stick the needle in! lol

From now on I will stick the needle in and he can pull back then push in the medicine. Screw letting him "try" to do this! Obvisoly he can not handle it. ha ha ha!

Nervous Wreck

2009-04-28T07:25:00.001-07:00

Today I am a nervous wreck. We have our Dr. Appt tomorrow at 9:30. She will do a sono to check the thickness of my lining and then show Stephen how to administer the PIO shot.

I don't know if it's knowing he is going to give me the shot that bothers me, or the pain I think I may expierence. I have always been better dealing with pain when I am the one putting myself thru it. Just don't know how I will manage giving myself the shot? Maybe I can put the needle in and let him do the rest? Heck maybe it's the anticipation that's getting me more than the shot itself. Either way I am very nervous.

Insomnia

2009-04-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well last night was another fun filled night of INSOMNIA! UGH! This is the third time this week I have dealt with this.

The dream I had before I woke up was what caused it. I dreamed that Stephen and I went to the doctor, they gave me a HPT and said go see if your pregnant. I go to the bathroom do my thing and sure enough it was POSITIVE! Two lines!!! In my dream the two lines meant twins and one was pink the other was blue so that meant I was having a boy and a girl! I cried and cried! Then I woke up. I think what woke me up was me crying out loud. I do this alot in my dreams. Something will upset me and I start to cry in my dream and it wakes me up because I am crying out loud.

To be honest that was the best dream I have had in a long time! It was very positive but when I woke up I couldn't help but feel sad. I want to have a baby more than anything I have ever had in my life! I see all the people around me with their children and I see how much joy they bring to their lives. I WANT THAT! I want to be able to look at Stephen and know he is the father of my child and have that respect for him! I want to hear that child call me Mommy and Stephen Daddy. I want to get so excited they smiled for the first time, rolled over, etc. I even want to get angry at them when they act up in the store and at the time all I want to do is walk away and act as if they are someone elses child acting up! hehe! I WANT IT ALL! The good with the bad! Just think sometimes it's too much to ask for. I wonder why God doesn't see me fit to be a parent but does someone else out there that beats their child or doesn't love them and refuses the proper care for them. I don't get it!

I'm trying to keep my head up and try not to dwell in the why me's, but for whatever reason today I have the why me's.

Can't give up now we've come so far!

2009-04-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

It's official! We have decided it's time to move on and try again. Our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for May 5th. I began taking estrogen April 14th and will add progestrone shots on the 29th.

I am so nervous about the shots! I have read so many horror stories about them. YIKES! I do have faith that I can handle this, just don't know if Stephen will be able to handle giving them to me. If not I will have to figure out how to do them myself. No big deal right?

This time around I feel less stress since I know what to expect. I understand there is a chance this time may not work. Im fine with that. I was reading and found where someone asked...At what point do you give up? The answer was...When you feel you just can't bare to go on. Well I don't feel that I am ready to give up, I refuse to give up! I am a fighter and I will continue this journey. I will take the good with the bad because I know in the end it will all be worth it!

IVF # 1 BFN

2009-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while. I think I just needed a break after what was supose to be a great St. Patricks day turned into a week full of disappointment and sadness.

The Sunday before St. Patricks day we decided we could not wait any longer and had to POAS. It was negative, I thought at first maybe it was too early to test. A few hours later I started bleeding. I knew at that moment that this cycle was a bust.

I called the nurse Monday to tell her I started and she wanted me to come in as scheduled just to make sure. Let me tell you that was the hardest day of my life! Walking thru the doors of the hospital I had nothing but sadness and anger. I came back to work but could not stay, I was too emotional to deal with anyone or anything. I got the call back later that day telling me my BETA did come back positive but the numbers were so low (11) that she told me this would not be a good pregnancy. She told me I had a chemical pregnancy and it would not last. I was told to come in again for another beta and they would continue watching it until it went to zero. The following test came back 14, 20 and finally it went to zero meaning the pregnancy was over. Finding out it was zero was a relief. This meant we could try again and very soon!

IVF Complete

2009-03-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

We are finally complete with our first IVF cycle. Our retrieval was March 3rd and we had 16 eggs. Out of the 16, 11 fertilized, 8 became Grade A embies. We transfered two Grade ABB blastocyst, one was already hatching :) and the other was a perfect circle. We were able to freeze 6 perfect blastocyst. The egg retrieval was rough. I was bloated and felt as if I had the flu for 4 days. The transfer was great! A little painful due to a full blatter and swollen ovaries but it was so cool to see them put the embies in!

I can say that the whole process has allowed me to grow as a person. I know more now than I could have ever imagined about the reproductive process. It is truly amazing!

We find out on St. Patricks Day our results! I am over the moon excited!

Obsessing

2009-02-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have been obsessing for the last month over having a baby. I have looked at every website known to man for crib bedding, maternity clothes, baby names, etc. I begining to think im crazy. It's all that has been on my mind. I am so ready to hear the doctor tell me "Congradulations you are pregnant!" I am so tired of wondering and dreaming just ready for this dream to become a reality.

Prestart visit

2009-02-03T12:21:00.001-08:00

Well we just got back from our prestart visit. This morning started out a little hetic. We got to the ARTS dept. to pick up paperwork and Stephen had to do a semen annalysis. The lady at the front desk was so scattered brained she didn't know if she was coming or going. It took a while for her to figure out which papers to give me first. We finally finished that up and went to our prestart meeting. When we got there the lady at the front desk said Christi we don't have you down on the schedule today? WHAT? I wrote the date down when I was on the phone with the nurse. I know I did not just make it up. She went to the back to talk to the nurse and thank God the nurse had an opening so she went ahead and saw us. She said she put us down for the 4th not the 3rd? Hmmm okay well my pen wrote the 3rd not the 4th. Oh well we got it done.

She gave me a calander showing me which date to start my Lupron shots which is the 11th and I will stop my BCP on the 16th. I start Follistim on the 21st. I would take my trigger shot anywhere from March 2nd or 3rd and they think retrieval would be somewhere between March 4th thru 6th with the transfer anywhere from the 8th thru 10th.

It feels good to know what to expect. I am such a planner so it drives me crazy not knowing when and where.

Dixie Chicks "So Hard"

2009-02-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite songs. Music is my life. This song explains how I feel day to day.

"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore
And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard
It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully
Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easyIt's so hard

Our Journey

2009-02-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

I have created this blog as a place to come to so that I may express my thoughts and feelings during what seems to be the hardest obstacle of my life....conceiving a child.

Stephen and I have been married since May 8, 1999. Our biggest dream has always been to have children. We just didn't know it would be this hard.

I was diagnosed with PCOS in 98 after picking up a Cosmopolitan magazine in a gas station and read an article about PCOS. I could not believe I had almost every symptom they gave. I went to my doctor and sure enough I was diagnosed with PCOS.

In 2004 we went to a RE with high hopes of becoming parents. We tried clomid a few times....unfortunately it made the lining of my uterus too thin, then we moved on to Repronex had a good response to it, had an IUI done with no success. So we moved on to Gonal F only to find out I had too many follicles unfortunally we had to cancel the cycle. By this point I was so tired of the shots and going to the doctor we both felt it was time to take a break.

During the break I felt if it was God's will we would have a child, if not we would just adopt. A few years passed and I became very bitter at God because I felt he was punishing me. I kept asking myself what I have done to deserve this? Finally I just gave up it wasn't worth the worry anymore. I think on the outside I gave up but deep down what I was doing was pretending I didn't care anymore. Each time I saw someone with a baby or pregnant I would look at her and think "I want that! Why her and not me?"

I decided in November 08 that I was ready to start trying again. I talked to Stephen about it and he was excited. I changed my insurance per my boss's suggestion and made our appointment for January 8th.

We went in with no expectations. I did not check to see what my insurance would cover because I wanted them to tell me. I figured I would hear well it looks like your insurance will not cover anything but diagnostic. We went to the appointment and met with our doctor. Sat down in her office to go over our options and she said these words I will never forget "There are three things you guys have to think about when trying to have a child. One is the emotional aspect, second is the physical, and third is the financial but this one is already take care of." WHAT? She said "your insurance covers IVF". OMG please say this is true that she really did say this is what I was thinking so I asked her again and she said "yes your insurance covers IVF". All I could think was this is amazing I can not believe this. IVF has always been a dream for us since we knew we would never be able to afford it and if we could we would only get one chance at it. I cried happy tears all day and could not wipe that smile off my face for weeks. I am still in disbelief.

Since then I have gone back for blood work and last week had a sonohystorgram. Everything looks great so far....Our next appointment is tomorrow to go over our protocol and sign papers. I have no clue what to expect. I am so nervous and all day today I have been looking at the worst case scenario. Why I do this I don't know? I guess we will find out what to expect tomorrow.....